In the trenches…
Today, on my oldest child’s 11th birthday, I reflect back on the very first day of my own personal breastfeeding journey. I think the most surprising thing to me after all this time is how little I knew about breastfeeding… and remember feeling this way even after nursing all three of my children.
At the start of my own personal breastfeeding journey
Like many moms I took birthing classes and tried my best to prepare for the delivery… but when it came to breastfeeding, I had no idea what to expect. No one in my closest family had breastfed their children. I had never seen another baby latch and could only hear the words of my sister after her own failed attempt echoing in my head, “it just hurts too much… like razor blades on your nipples.” But because of my experience in the neonatal and pediatric intensive care units, I knew that breastmilk would be the very best thing for my baby. I was determined to change the narrative in my experience.
Flash forward to the delivery room. He had meconium stained fluid and the NICU team was called. I was terrified because I knew exactly what this meant if, in fact, he had aspirated any meconium. It would have been a bumpy road, but thankfully everything was fine. He was placed on my chest and I have no clear recollection of what happened for the next 48 hours. He was latching at the beast but postpartum was a complete blur. I did recall how important skin and skin was so my husband and I both spent as much time skin skin with him as we could, even after going home. Once I was able to regain a little bit of my focus, I do vividly remember that cringing and pinching pain… and dreading every. single. latch. At our pediatrician appointment, I was set up to see a lactation consultant in the same office. They said he “looked great” but that pain continued the majority of the time… After a couple of visits, he and I were both treated for yeast. I was given an expensive cream that had to be compounded at a pharmacy. Over time, things eventually got better but looking back I know this was never yeast. It was a band-aid. No one taught me how important the latch was. Even long after the newborn phase, I would sometimes experience sore, cracked nipples and pain - the kind that makes you hold your breath, grimace and grit your teeth, especially with the initial latch. I was in graduate school and working full-time in the PICU and so I would get intermittent relief while pumping when I worked several days in a row and he was bottle fed while I was away. We survived. He never had a drop of formula (not that it would have been bad if he did), and I provided breastmilk for him for a little over a year. Though I felt successful in achieving my goal… in hindsight, I do think I could’ve had a better experience. I just assumed that pain with breastfeeding was normal and had to “grin and bear it.”
Proud dad bottle feeding at just a few days old…
I was drawn to pumping early due to pain and nipple trauma.
Ever tried eating with a blanket on your head?
I used a nursing cover immediately and pumped when I knew we would be around others… Embarrassment of nursing in front of family or friends, let alone public places!
Three years later, I found myself nursing my precious baby girl. This experience was different. I felt more confident because of my past experience and it didn’t hurt like last time. My experience with her was also very different because she went to a daycare next-door to where I worked so I was very fortunate to be able to go down and nurse her often instead of being strapped to the wall with a pump (pre-wearable-pump-days). Well intended friends told me about how their baby slept longer when they got formula at bedtime… and how longed for some sleep as a working mom now that I had two littles at home. Even though this messaging wasn’t in alignment with my personal breastfeeding goals, I did try it. It didn’t work. Did you know that there is no scientific evidence to support that formula-fed babies sleep any longer than those who get breast milk? Yed, it’s been studied. My mom also went through her own cancer journey that year. During this time I spent many weekends traveling back-and-forth from Georgia to Kentucky to help with her care. With mounding stress and early supplementation, my breastfeeding journey did end a little earlier than my last, but I enjoyed nursing her so much more.
After the end of my journey with my second child, one of my nipples inverted. Knowing (always too much, but never enough) that changes in the breast are often a clue to something much worse, I was screened for breast cancer and to my relief nothing was found… [Now I know that all that trauma that I experienced with nursing (my first especially) likely contributed to this problem.] I unexpectedly became pregnant with my third baby and in preparation to breastfeed again (in 2020), I just assumed I would need a nipple shield in order to get him to latch. I did my own research, but it was limited. He was delivered in the hospital over the weekend in the year of COVID and I received no breastfeeding support after my delivery. I could get him to latch with the shield and we went home at 24 hours. At our initial visit with his provider, he was latching but not gaining weight as expected. He was not back to birth by two weeks and I felt like a failure. In my community, there was virtually no lactation support at the time (again, thank you COVID) and I felt brushed off and alone. The system and my own experience failed me. We supplemented to help with his weight gain, but never got to the root cause. Though we had seen multiple providers and I have a doctorate in pediatric nursing practice myself… It was not until I started my own personal journey to become a lactation counselor and help other moms that I figured out the problem… A year too late. As they say, hindsight is always 2020. We cannot live in regret, but I only wish that I knew then what I know now.
Not that any of my breastfeeding experiences were “bad” in their entirety (outside of those earliest weeks with my 3rd we I undoubtedly suffered from a little PPD [postpartum depression]), I firmly believe with the right level of knowledge and support, they could have been so much better.
In 2021, I began my journey to make sure that no mom ever felt alone as I did in those earliest weeks of nursing my last baby. There are still so many areas in which our system needs to improve. My hope and prayer is that through Gratitude and Grace Latation, I can be a part of the solution to increase accessibility to quality, compassionate, lactation care and encourage and support as many families as I can along the way.
So today, I am so incredibly grateful to God for the opportunity to nurse and nourish each of my babies… How each experience was inevitably rewarding and unique… How the bumps in the road formed our journey and ultimately led to not just their physical growth, but my own personal, professional and spiritual growth… And how He has so graciously and gently guided me to walk with others in the trenches, too.
